Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
