There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I look excited, but its just a facade.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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