I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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