Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
