I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
