Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize