my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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