I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
