I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
be right there i have to get my cape
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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