Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
