Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
