Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
