your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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