there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
