I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
