before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
