I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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