i just sent this text using only my big toe
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
