is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
