Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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