Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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