so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
