I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
