I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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