Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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