Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
