Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Drunk is not a location!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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