he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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