Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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