I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize