On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
