I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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