That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
