I will die if light touches me.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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