so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
