sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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