Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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