I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
