I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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