I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
