guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
