evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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