Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
