I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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