DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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