I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize