there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
