woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
