Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
