You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
