Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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