yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
MIDGETS
????
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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