don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
