White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
