Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize