I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
